A Gentlemen's Tour June, 2009

This year I turned 40. It's a milestone of sorts in that one cannot deny that middle age is not only knocking at the door, but has indeed come into the house, taken it's shoes off, grabbed a cold beer and is boring the shit out of everyone talking about his ailments and medications. The only way to get 'em to shut the heck up is to do something epic. On the actual day of my birth each year I strap on some snowshoes and try to complete a challenging loop from our dear friends cabin in the north woods. My family spends every New Year's Eve and Day there, and since that is my birthday it's convenient to use this as a Middle Age banishing tactic. This past January the hike was magnificently difficult and I owned it.

But when facing a Major Milestone like the big 4-0, one epic battle with Middle Age is not enough. Indeed, as time passes and the years pile on it's important to take on as many epic projects as one can. When your body breaks, you have found the limit. Until then, keep pushing. For Epic Project #2 this year, I found myself contemplating a bike tour, which is something I've always wanted to try but never had the opportunity to plan. A few months ago my good friend Jim announced he was planning a tour and I invited myself along. He graciously accepted my offer of companionship and, to protect himself from an undiluted blast of my mesmerizing personality scrambled to invite several other like-minded fellows. In the end there were six of us: Jim, Sean, Doug, Kevin, Mark and me. Eric joined us for the last night, making it seven participants. All great personalities and patient, which is nice.

Due to injury, scheduling and the vagaries of life, only 5 of us would ride together at any one time and I joined the tour in medius res at the first campsite. But each Pedaling Gentleman added his own flavor (or, as the case may be, scent) to the proceedings and it was very much a Magnificent Seven vibe each time we rode into town and the women and children hid from view. When the town spokesman would come out to parley, we were kind and gentle with them. We asked only for pastry and coffee, a full water bottle and the use of a toilet. Then we rode off, leaving their village not much the worse for wear and the local bakeshop or coffee house a few dollars richer. Also we ate cheeseburgers. Lots of cheeseburgers. The best were at Finnie's in Plainview, MN.

Our route wandered along the Mississippi River from Red Wing to La Crosse, over to Lanesboro, MN and then northward across hill and vale (and hill, hill, hill) to Lake City and back to Red Wing. Most nights we camped but in La Crosse we used a local hotel to blast the grime and musk from our bodies. In total, I pedaled about 250 miles in 5 days and the other fellas who had done the entire trip wound up with more than 300 miles. It was a great experience filled with laughter, a few hillpain-induced tears and lots and lots of calories. It often seemed as if we were sitting in cafes longer each day than on our bikes. The nights were filled with campfires and conversation, heaps of good conversation. I look forward to doing it again, if they'll have me.

Here are a few photos of the tour.

First we have the first Helmet Totem of the tour. It's a priapistic onion ring. It started oozing grease the day after I affixed it to my helmet, so I had to set it free. For the remainder of the trip I sported a unicorn duckie.

We had a lot of gravel to ride, which was fun and challenging. Nobody wiped out, but not for lack of trying. Jim, in particular, seemed well at ease bombing down sketchy country hills.

Doug's camping skills were evident. His tent was first to be erected and first to be packed each day. It's a pleasure watching a guy so completely in his element and I look forward to perhaps camping with him again someday. Below is a typical Doug camp scene. Imagine detonating a grenade underneath the tent and that's what my camp looked like.

We had a layover day in Lanesboro which four of us put to good use. We pedaled the 22 mile round-trip to Fountain, MN where we ate soup and pie, bought some cured meat products and visited their excellent museum. Here we see Jim, Sean and Doug at a rest break. Jim had just said something pithy which I missed.


Rolling into town looked like this.

Sean flashes the pearly whites while Kevin and Jim discuss how much they are looking forward to coffee and, if they are lucky, baked goods. This was my favorite coffee shop of the trip, in lovely Houston, MN. The friendliest people of the entire tour were here, without doubt. They invited us to come live there which shows that the people of Houston, MN are keen students of quality.

As the tour wound up I found myself in the back of the pack and somewhat melancholy that the fun had to end. I hope to travel with these fine fellows again someday.

Smokey and the Bandit, Part 3

Hauled much beer and a six-year-old on this rig today.

Got much respect from a fixie rider.

He was right to respect.

1 case of PBR cans

4 pack Surly Furious

12 pack Sierra Nevada Summerfest

6 pack Sierra Nevada Torpedo IPA

6 pack Two Brothers Dog Days

May 17 is Pub Crawlicious

We are going to do it again, folks. It's time for a CollaboRide©!

Jim Ebel of Two Brothers Brewing and I will be conducting a short, sweet pub crawl on Sunday, May 17. Here's the map:




We will get started somewhere around 3:30 at the Gastro Non Grata event taking place at the Modern Cafe. Read more about that event at the link and come down if you can. It'll be great.


More details (and possibly more to come):

When: Sunday, May 17 about 3:30 PM. Maybe 4:00. It depends on how awesome the rock is.

Where: Starts at the Modern Cafe as part of Gastro Non Grata. By all means check out the details of their event if you like good food, good beer and local music. It will be delicious for mind and soul. This is the spiritual first stop of the pub crawl.

Who: Anybody. Lanny Hoff from Artisanal Imports will be the Squad Leader.

What: Here are the stops.
(0) The Modern Cafe (site of Gastro Non Grata)
(1) Erte (which is just down the block)
(2) The Sample Room
(3) Grumpy's NE
(4) Bulldog NE
(END) Pracna on Main

We will be riding with Jim Ebel, one of the Two Brothers in Two Brothers Brewing, Warrenville, IL. There will be specials on his beer as well as some Artisanal Imports specials. Maybe even some food stuff. Maybe more stops.

Q. Why is the route so short?
A. Because Mr. Ebel is not a avid cycler and I don't want to impinge on his bliss by riding too many miles. If you want to ride more, ride more. This is a loosey-goosey deal here, Mel.

Q. Is this a kid friendly event?
A. Not really. Unless Junior will sport a round, then by all means.

Q. Will there by door prizes?
A. Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not. So if something does come your way, it's a bonus and I expect smiles and genuine gratitude.

Q. What if it's raining?
A. Some hardy souls will still ride, I'm sure. So if the weather is uncooperative, flip the sky the bird and rawk on. Mr. Ebel and I may retire the the comfort of the Family Cruiser, but rest assured that we will have love and respect in our hearts for you intrepid Minnesotans who choose to ride.

Q. Who do I contact about this?
A. Lanny at lannyhoff@gmail.com.

Q. What if I don't drink?
A. Dehydration can kill you faster than fast, so by all means DRINK SOMETHING! It need not be alcoholic.

Q. Are you concerned about safety?
A. Not really. I reckon that anyone who would make the scene is an adult and will take charge of their own stuff. Bring a light, bring a helmet, bring a lock, bring the normal gear that you would do to ride when it gets dark. Don't be dumb and don't endanger yourself or anyone else.

Q. Can you tell me about when you will be at each stop?
A. No. We'll start between 4 and 5 and spend 45 minutes to an hour at each stop, maximum. More at the last one. So if you want to jump into the middle, go to one of the spots and look around. See a bunch of bikes out front? You found us. No bikes? Look for tiny shreds of spandex, handlebar tape and the tell-tale spoor of chain grease. If you see it, then we have already been there. If the bartenders don't look traumatized, then we have not yet arrived. There is a rudimentary map attached, for your guidance.

Q. Is there a map?
A. Yes. See above.

Q. What is a CollaboRide©?
A. An bike ride in which two members of the beer world get together for mutual fun and benefit. It's all the rage, now.

Introducing Hank Dirkins

I got a great email from my friend Hank Dirkins last night. After conferring with him, we agreed the email should be preserved for posterity on the everlasting etherwebs. So here is the first guest entry on A Full Pannier.

From: Hank Dirkins
To: Lanny Hoff
Sat, Mar 28, 2009 at 11:59 PM
Subject: First 100 Mile Week

Hi, Lanny -

I just got drunk at your house.

I am now drunk back at my house.

Ya see, I finished my ride from the university this afternoon at almost exactly 94 miles for the week. After dinner, bath-time, my wife's workout at the gym, a bong hit, and an hour and a half of graduate school homework, I decided I wanted to go get those last 6 miles.

Then, I remembered that you and a friend had talked about spending this evening at your house. Being 9:45, I made my way via bicycle forthright to the liquor store. I bought approximately two quarts of beer, and pedaled like the dickens to your house.

I arrived to find the houselights dimmed, and your golden retriever, Kenai, crashed out in front of the back door. Your house is almost exactly two miles from my house. I had less than five miles to do for my first 100 mile week of 2009. I took this opportunity to open one of the beers I had brought you, as a gift. It was good. It was 6.7% alcohol.

I let the dog out. He peed. I scratched him behind his ear.

After finishing your beer, I got on my bike and pedaled down to Golden Valley Road, and back to your house. I had hoped to find you home. Instead, I open the second bottle of beer. It, too, was good. It was 9.2% alcohol.

Kenai did as little as perk up his head as I drank that beer. I was listening to my iPod. I danced on your back porch.

I hope your spring biking season is kicking off at least as well.

For the record: the beers Hank enjoyed at my house, with my dog and without me were Sierra Nevada Wet Hop Harvest Ale and Full Sail Barleywine.

Gotta Retape These Bars

 

My new Rawland Sögn is a nice looking bike, but jesus those are some ugly handlebars. Turns out that Cinelli Celeste cork tape with amber shellac looks like pea soup vomit, complete with tiny flecks of semi-digested ham.

I think I may try to tape cloth over the top of the cork to retain some of the cushion. But I gotta do it soon as everytime I look at the bars I have trouble with my gag reflex.

Saturday Rides Are Firkin Awesome

 

Last Saturday I had the good fortune to combine wonderful weather (see photo above for proof) + hanging out on a bike with a good friend + great beer. Truly a remarkable day and a warm memory as we struggle through another bout of freezing weather.

I set out from my place in the northernmost reaches of Minneapolis to Jake's house in East St. Paul to meet up with him for a ride. It's a good distance and pretty hilly. My route took me on the East River Road and then to downtown St. Paul and them up, up, up Robert to Jake's. Nice workout and good training for an anticipated hilly ride later this spring. 

I arrived at his house just in time to snag the last of Annabelle's mac and cheese (thanks, Annabelle!) and Jake and I went straight back down the hill to the river and rode along Lilydale road, a section of bike-friendliness that I only recently discovered on a ride with Jim. It was warm, a little messy and beautiful. Jake is an enthusiastic and willing cycling companion and even though he had not ridden all winter, was more than up to the task. I look forward to many more rides with him this summer.

We stopped in at Hiawatha to part ways with a few of our disposable dollars and chew over the topics of the day, but they were very busy so our discourse was limited to the usual pleasantries and not the normal deep philosophical dialog to which I am accustomed when I darken their door. I should hope that "business" does not get in the way of our future mental meanderings.

Jake set a blistering pace up the River Road and threw the Devil Horns of Thirst as he passed by. You see, we were Happy Gnome Firkin Fest bound and the both of us were feeling the throat-itch that only good beer can scratch.

 

Moments later I was able to outpace the thirsty, motivated Jake, but this guy started sneaking up on me having passed Jake. He tried to shield his face from the seeking lens of my camera, but to no avail. As you can see, Summit Avenue was filled with cyclists that day and Jake and I had to weave our way around all of them in our quest for malty goodness. 

 

Finally we made the scene at the Gnome, had many good beers and much lively conversation with a plentitude of good beer folk. I have to commend Nick and his minions for putting on the premiere beer event in Minnesota. I wish I had beer to sell them but since I don't have any cask beers in my book I was relegated to the role of enthusiastic consumer. For me the standouts were the Ola Dubh, Surly 16 Grit and Dark Horse Crooked Tree. Lovely beers, all.

Thanks to Jake for being such a good companion for a wonderful day of biking and beer.

It's Springtime in My Heart

This has been a great weekend for cycling. Maybe the best since last summer.

Jim and I did an epic after-dark ramble that clocked in at 45 super entertaining miles on Thursday night. My very good friend Bert diverted us just long enough to inhale some steamed (which is the new word for fried) potatoes, club soda and beer at the Bulldog NE. The conversation never lagged, many laughs were laughed and once out the door our game, as the kids say, was ON.

Bert retired to the relative safety of his house to get some work done. You see, he's a graduate student and also works at the U. He's a genuinely busy guy with a lovely little girl and a beautiful wife and, for better or worse, an office in the attic. Dude works a lot and when he's not working he's fathering a spectacular example of the toddler ilk.

Jim and I headed back through downtown, having crossed the Stone Arch Bridge. This landmark is one of the best things about Minneapolis and I am struck by how beautiful and wonderful it is everytime I cross it, which is often. We accessed the Cedar Lake Trail near the new Home of the Twins and rolled out Hopkins way. The trail was mostly OK, but quite wet in spots and only a trace of submerged ice slowed us down. Our pace was postively Armstrong-esque.

We tagged the terminus of the Cedar Lake Trail and whipped back toward town and the Greenway. To thwart nocturnal thugs we increased our already impressive speed and Jim begain swinging nunchucks while pedaling no-handed and I shouted at random intervals that "we are packing serious fucking HEAT and we are NOT AFRAID to use it and that we, in fact, really well TRAINED to MAIM and/or KILL any assholes who might try to slow us down and steal our CELL PHONES or CASH CARDS or BIKES". It worked very well as we were not attacked. So if you ride the Greenway after dark, try it. It has worked 100% of the time.

Saturday was the Inimitable Hiawatha Cyclery Ride and it was a classic for the books. Jim made several mid-ride decisions, defended his position effectively against his detractors and those who sought to debate him, and we found ourselves sharing a long table at Kramarczuks, wolfing down sausage, eggs and potato pancakes and washing it all down with coffee and vigorous conversation. Our postprandial cycling took us to the mostly abandoned but conveniently plowed State Fair Grounds via the Inter Campus Transitway. Our group was merry, the wind was at our backs and the ride was eventful in only the best possible ways, except for Monte, who is on my list.

To cap off a perfectly wonderful weekend of riding I was the delighted recipient of a question by my son Jasper. 

"Dad, do you want to go for a bike ride?"

Why, yes. Yes I do. I cannot explain to anyone, especially him, how that question makes my crusty, jaded heart skip a beat with joy. There is nothing— I repeat NOTHING—that brings me greater happiness than a bike ride with my family. We pedaled off toward the local park, played a bit on the gear therein, and returned home, triumphant. I snapped the photo at the top of the page at the end of our ride, the newly Daylight Saved Sun low in the sky. You, gentle readers, are reading the words of a deeply happy and completely satisfied man.